HELP ME!

Here i am
lost and ashamed
revolted and disturbed at what i have converted into
you either too smart or too dumb to find God
which am I?
This time i think i have gone a little too far beyond ungodliness
i think i have crossed some sort of indiscernible line
i think i have entered into a precinct where to me your name is as petite as a grain
where your absence means liberation
i've sunken too deep into the conducts of the world
i've put ample emphasis on triumphing in this life and i care so little about the one after it
it hurts
each day i carry this tormenting pain
i swear i can feel it crushing and devouring my insides
i want to praise you but i can't shake off the nauseating feeling that you are not worth it
i want to love you more than anything but i also want to appear first on the list of those i love
i want to learn about you but i'm too busy finding myself
i want to speak of you but i wouldn't know what to say
i want to fight for you but i'm already battling with my seemingly immutable and unending demons
i often call unto you and i wonder if the reply i hear is from you or it's my own voice echoing back to me
i hope you don't look away as i attempt to drag my filthy worthless self before you
i hope you are not humiliated
i hope you don't see me as an exhibition of a failure
even though you possess every right to think that
but here i am
flawed and wrecked
i bow before you with all my errors, with all these blemishes
here are my burdens
numerous and awful
what are you going do?

By Opelo Michiie Makoba (Botswana)

Picture credits: www.dailymaverick.co.uk